A final reflection, combining lessons of the class, experiences of the internship, and applications of social justice:

Moving Forward: Continuing to Work for Social Justice

The first day I walked into PEP as an intern, I wore dark blue converse, hoping my black slacks would cover up my laces and nerves. I had poured through the dress code I had received at orientation a week before: no pants too tight, feet entirely covered, and under no circumstance should your chest show. Terrified of mistakes and the entirely new position, I decided going exactly by the rules would be the safest bet. Ballet flats had parts of my feet showing; black jeans were jeans and therefore prohibited; and no skin under my neck would show. After walking into PEP in an oversized long sleeved turtleneck, I took comfort observing others’ casual yet professional wardrobe. My converse were not the only ones in PEP that day.

The freedom of attire quickly became apparent in other aspects of PEP as well. As the year progressed, the freedom of my position had it benefits and drawbacks, which will be discussed in this paper. The freedom allowed me to flourish creatively and innovatively, yet required me to develop professionally and academically with little guidance from a supervisor. Various aspects of the Social Justice Intern program and of PEP became assets in my success at PEP, which will be discussed at length. Finally, working with the residents in PEP was an opportunity and gift I had never doubted. My dynamic relationships with them resulted in consistent learning and laughs, and high expectations I now have for every future internship.

The freedom of PEP had many effects, and perhaps the most positive result was my growth in taking initiative. I remember sitting in the interview for the Social Justice Internship. I was surprised and unprepared for the question about initiative, and my answer was substantially inadequate by both my standards and my future coordinator’s, Andrew Miller. He muttered “not that great at taking initiative, and crossed multiple positions off the list. Ironically, I ended up in PEP.

The first month at PEP was set aside for observation, as deemed by my supervisor, Ally Drake. I want to say that month was easy, but it was not. It was easy in that I had my schedule determined for me, I simply followed the residents’ schedules with them, accompanying them to the classroom or the kitchen or wherever. Getting to know the residents was also easy, a large  majority wanted to talk and get to know me ASAP. Which, of course, I loved! When the staff were busy doing their jobs, for example working on the computer in the morning, before I could become insecure about what to do, the residents welcomed me into their community and made me their friend. After that first month, on the dot exactly 4 weeks after I had begun, I began worrying about what I was supposed to do next. The whole day I awaited anxiously for my new role and responsibilities. It never came. I immediately scheduled a meeting with Ally, hoping to get feedback and guidance. When I asked her for the meeting though, she was unsure of the actual purpose of the meeting.

I was relieved she had not been watching my behavior so closely to judge me merely observing for the past month, and informing her of the purpose (any long-term projects or tasks to last the year in PEP) gave me a little boost of pride for taking that initiative. Yes, I was proud of myself for requesting a meeting. Obviously taking initiative was not my strength, but the gave me a lot of room to grow. Throughout the year I became more comfortable asking for meetings, to review my progress mid-semester and in the middle of the year, and about various projects.

The projects I undertook also grew in complexity of design and purpose. I began by evaluating what we had. Residents’ binders had random missing pages, games were missing pieces, other materials were destroyed from misuse and age, those simple fixes were where I began. However my goal was not merely fixing various random things around PEP, I was not a handyman of learning material. After designing visual schedules and morning binders for residents, I used the binders in the morning, saw where the pages and questions did and did not work, and revised. This process of designing, experimenting, and revising, stayed constant throughout the year.

Recreating and completing binders and games was a long process, in that the actual creation of the designing of the visual guide, along with figuring out the printers (yes PEP’s printers are complicated), lamination, even getting a complete list of the residents’ names took multiple days. Trying to gather a complete list of names and their weekly schedules to work with involved a surprising lack of help from staff. When asked for help, every staff member would offer conflicting information or one step out of many. The schedules in their offices were out of date, the schedules on the drive had whole days missing, it turned out the only way to actually gather a comprehensive schedule, each staff member had to be consulted about residents specific to their caseload. Because their small pieces of help suggested they had better things to do and I could figure everything out in my own, I felt as if I were bothering them. In my mind, I had to justify the interruption. Their hands-off approach and my discomfort of interrupting them caused me to work harder by myself to figure out the problem and next steps. This early realization and adaptation guided me in every other task for the rest of the year.

This attitude helped me in one of my biggest projects of the year, throwing the Resident Appreciation Day party. With nothing but some simple descriptions from Ally, I was expected to throw a party for the entire morning session. The morning session is 2 hours long, includes at least 12 residents of varying ability, instructors who would follow my plans, and awards and plans from the administration they wanted integrated in every department's party. The month before the party, I presented multiple ideas I had for the day to Ally. Thank goodness I had paused to get feedback, the administration had already created certificates and found prizes for residents. Ally loved the idea of an award ceremony with memories and medals presented, we even ordered personalized PEP livestrong bracelets. The party ended with pizza, everyone was happy, and a few residents still wear their medals everyday.

As mentioned before, I had requested these meetings with Ally, both for projects, feedback, and to update her. Meetings with Ally used to give me a sense of hope - that this would be the time I would get through to her, that we would break through these cages of formality. Spoiler alert, it never happened. In retrospect, the meetings with Ally were frustrating. I quickly realized she was extremely busy (is she even in her office today? I often wondered), and planned meetings with her at least a week in advance.The day of the meeting, it was often rescheduled for the next week, and sometimes only to be rescheduled again. While I understood and respected Ally’s busy schedule, I could not help but feel pushed to the side.  

So when I learned of the Leadership Interview assignment, I instantly knew who I would be interviewing. I asked Ally right away if she would be willing to be interviewed, and three weeks later we met. I had hoped to utilize the interview to get to know her, to become more comfortable around her, and to get that concrete feedback and guidance I had been missing. The interview provided much needed reassurance - I was behaving professionally, had been stepping in when I was needed - but also created more insecurities. She mentioned the most important steps an intern can take is to say yes, to do as much and to learn as much as I could. Be a “yes man”, by taking the smallest and most mundane tasks. That requires being flexible, but that is what shows your dedication and ability, Ally maintained.

Being a “yes man” became my goal for the rest of the semester. This resulted in taking on the projects with the graduate students, helping the new instructor whenever she asked, completing random tasks Ally requested, all while planning the Residents’ Day party. Once the party was over my days felt less hectic, but I suddenly my days were too flexible, too vulnerable to meetings others’ demands. In reality, they did not demand, they asked. I just felt obligated to say yes, which I am still ambivalent about. I wanted to work with the graduate interns and write social stories, I wanted to help lead a lesson with the new instructor, and I could easily help out Ally, the timing was just poor. In total, the month before and after the party were chaotic and productive, and I was back to implementing my own ideas again.

The busyness did not end because I stood up for myself though. The party passed, the instructor got used to her position, Ally had less random tasks, but this time I was more prepared in setting and reaching goals for the day. My professional insecurities include incompetency and laziness, yet saying yes shows competency and effort, so of course I eagerly embraced the "yes man" ideal. Looking back now, I realize my weaknesses are not incompetency or laziness, but my inability to say no.

When asked how she manages struggling employees or residents, Ally finds it important to focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses. Looking at individuals’ strengths makes it easier for her to plan and to work as part of a team. Her mention of a strengths-based approach surprised me, perhaps because I had not noticed that attitude in her before, but I definitely saw it throughout PEP. Seeing that attitude and goal in PEP everyday, and hearing it from Ally, demonstrates the effectiveness as a leader. I hardly saw or talked to Ally, so of course I did not observe her personal strengths-based behavior, but I saw those values ingrained in everyday life at PEP. After that interview, I began integrating a strengths-based attitude in my own life. In group projects other classes, for example, I noticed myself refocusing in moments of frustration. I was not calmed by taking deep breaths or going to a happy place. Instead, focusing on people's’ strengths created pathways to solutions, and utilized everyone’s input.

Ally’s comments, combined with previous knowledge of strengths-based theory, prepared me for the Asset Based Community Development assignment. Looking at examples of previous students’ ABCD assignments intimidated me, as all the plans appeared so complete and absolute, with solutions in sight just waiting to be implemented. I knew how to identify strengths, but I am much better at identifying and knowing how to utilize them, on an individual basis. As referenced in the ABCD 101 video, I feared my ABCD plan would inevitably be from an outsider's’ point of view. Wanting to prevent an outside-in approach and accidentally creating a soap factory that destroys life in the community as they knew it, I chose Rogers Park as the community of focus. Having recently learned that the public high school in Rogers Park had students who spoke over 80 languages and an overwhelming majority of students who identified as people of color, I decided to research immigration in Rogers Park. I had, after all, applied for the SJI position hoping to get involved and engaged with people different from myself, and somehow I went from one predominantly White institution (Loyola) to another (Misericordia). I embraced ABCD thinking because it works against the “outsider coming in” attitude and “white savior complex” , and found myself learning about many assets in the Rogers Park community, many run by and made for people of color. Through the Asset Based Community Development assignment, I learned a lot of the neighborhood I live in, and practiced identifying and connecting strengths. This is a skill I continue to practice in interpersonal interactions and will use in future efforts towards social justice.

I expected to learn and discuss social justice all year, but I did not expect the amazing relationships that I have made with people in the SJI program. Even through the first retreat, a retreat that lasted less than 24 hours, I found a community committed to laughter as much as they are to social justice. Meeting with the other SJIs exposed me to others’ experiences of responsibilities, work environments, and clients. Listening to other interns talk about their experiences, at times I could not help but compare myself to them, and again wondered if I was doing enough.

The learning objectives, however, set at the beginning of both semesters, guided me in figuring out what to do on a daily basis. I took that goal-planning further, and applied it on a smaller scale. I began setting goals for what I would do on a daily basis, and made to-do lists every morning. The plan was written in pencil and was never fully implemented; instructor’s requests, schedule changes, many different tasks popped up. Leftover and unfinished tasks simply carryover to the next day. This forever unfinished list allowed me to be flexible and productive.

Overall the class helped guide me through  the internship process immensely. From keeping me accountable, interviewing my supervisor and giving me a community to grow in, the fall and spring semesters were invaluable assets. The class focused on social justice, yet I gained more from the discussion of our internships. Social justice is a goal to continually work for and requires constant education as well as the humility, openness and motivation for that education. The entire SJI program works towards social justice, and the class sought to teach social justice, but I felt myself making insignificant progress, particularly in applying it to my internship.

PEP is rather secluded, even within Misericordia. While I believe just part of social justice is empowering disadvantaged individuals, I felt I had difficulties implementing and appreciating that in the context of PEP. Learning supplements and behavior aids can help a resident advance within the classroom, but that takes a long time. I worked in PEP for less than a year, and did not have the chance to witness those changes within the individual residents. Perhaps I failed to witness the changes, or I failed to notice and appreciate the small changes that occurred. If I were able to return to PEP as an intern, I would focus more on behavioral tracking, to map behaviors and improvements to see what interventions are and are not effective.

As stated on the first day of retreat and on the last day of class, social justice also involves a community. For the many residents in Misericordia, Misericordia and their visiting families are the extent of their communities, especially for those in PEP. In my day to day interactions I worked with the same residents and staff day in and out, every once in awhile seeing a visiting family member. I would have loved to have ventured out into the greater Chicago community with residents (and staff of course), and to introduce them to my friends and family, so they can meet and experience the friendliness and fun personalities I talk about so often, and of course to every poor deprived citizen of Chicago who is missing out on the beautiful people hidden here in PEP. Unfortunately, none of this is practical. Some residents have the opportunity to go grocery shopping once a week with a staff member, and while this reinforces life skills for the residents, it does little to connect the select few with the community members. If I could go back, I would have invited family members to the Residents Day party, accompanied a group to a grocery shopping trip, or integrated more community members into learning supplements.

Finally, I have absolutely no clue how I would work for institutional change within Misericordia. Walking into Misericordia, the racial segregation is glaring. Many of the DSPs - a nurse- like position that required no college degree - were people of color. Walking into PEP, where no DSPs worked and all positions required higher education, every person is White, or appearing White, except for one graduate intern who identified as Chinese. Until halfway through the year, when a woman who identified as Korean obtained an entry-level position, that intern was the only person of color, including residents. While I would love to somehow copy Loyola’s hiring procedures to promote people of color in Misericordia, I realize that is a bit ambitious for an intern in PEP, an intern who has just left, and intern who was already nervous every time she spoke with her supervisor. I am also unsure of the admission process for residents into Misericordia, but I am confident people of color with disabilities do exist, and so I wonder why they are not at Misericordia. Again, I have no solution and did nothing about this glaring problem while I was at Misericordia, but this institutional change needs to take place at Misericordia. My inability (perhaps refusal) to work for or advocate thing change demonstrates another failure in implementing social justice in PEP.

That statement brings us back again to my insecurity of doing enough and being enough for those around me. Those thoughts circulated in my mind many times at Misericordia, and every time I heard other interns talk about their experiences and accomplishments at their respective sites.  Even writing this, I fear I have not done enough and these thoughts are aimless wanders. But this reflection is my most honest and accurate description of my experiences and hopes for the future.

While the reflections for our class provided periodic self-review that helped me understand my goals and role as the semester progressed, as mentioned above, discussion benefitted me the most. Especially daily discussion with other interns at PEP. When speaking to other interns at Misericordia, one senior and some graduate students, I was able to figure out my role as an intern. The first couple weeks we held the same role, which provided much needed comfort in my moments as the rookie intern. We talked almost daily at lunch and when working with residents, about responsibilities and roles at PEP, and their presence and feedback provided the direct guidance and advice I lacked from supervisors. Multiple interns were also more relatable, specifically because 4 of them were enrolled in Loyola’s Masters of Social Work school, a graduate program I had recently been accepted into. I gained invaluable insight from them about classes, resumes, the school itself, social work careers, and so much more. I felt as if all the interns were a support team for one another, helping each other with small projects and tasks, but I definitely gained more advice and better feedback from them. Inevitably our different roles took us elsewhere, preventing us from becoming dependent on one another.

On my last day, working with one particular resident demonstrated my progress and development as an intern. First, my initial encounter with this resident on my first day. This resident was having a bad day in the morning, and instead of lunch, everyone was rerouted and waited in classrooms while the resident was agitated and violent, all the higher staff were in Misericordia monitoring him,looking stressed, walkie talkies in hand. I could not understand what was going on, the other interns shrugged, and I heard a instructor mutter “What a great first day, huh?” to another. As I learned later on, residents breaking down like this was not normal. I could not help but notice myself being extra careful around him, and not actively interacting with him. So on the last day, when an instructor asked me to step in for her and assist him in a lesson I had designed, I hesitated. This resident often mutters and talks to himself as a way to calm him anxiety, yet as we worked, he was silent. As he clicked through tabs, researching restaurants in Chicago, recording and synthesizing the information, he let me sit close to him and listened, and I saw a side of him I had never seen before. In this one interaction, I was able to see create a lesson, implement it, and build an important relationship with this resident. Because these relationships and experiences occurred much earlier in the year with other residents, in those last quiet moments, I really appreciated the opportunity to work with him. Once again, I learned the importance of talking to and interacting with people different from myself.

Ultimately, social justice focuses on people. Meeting new people, talking to people, being open to their experiences, and working to protect their rights, abilities, needs, and wants. Throughout this year I have developed skills and knowledge as a professional and as a college student to continue striving for social justice. With PEP and the SJI program as my base, I confidently seek to meet new people to continue learning about and working for social justice.