“I Questioned My Soul…But It Had No Answer”

What's in the image?

The window is representative of death as people surround a dying individual. The gender of the individual is ambiguous, leaving the identity of the person in question. It could either be St. Monica or St. Augustine himself. The black bar obscuring the body of the dying person gives reason to believe that it could indeed be Monica, as she emphasized the unimportance of the dead body, telling Augustine to “lay this body anywhere, and take no trouble over it” (9.11.27). Six observers gather, praying and mourning the loss of life. Augustine watching over the scene, possibly ascending, and holding a book while making the motions of a blessing. An angel is also hovering overhead, crowning the holy man.

What's in Confessions?

Confessions demonstrates Augustine’s transition from a philosophical sinner to a faithful Christian. Two different deaths, that of his friend (which we discussed in the Teacher of Rhetoric section) and that of his mother, create the window into which the reader peers into the inner thoughts and emotions in response to the loss of both his friend and his mother. These experiences show how his life changes after his conversion.  Before his conversion Augustine was distraught by the idea of death. Augustine reacted selfishly to the death of his friend, mourning a friendship that never truly existed. Since neither Augustine or his friend were Christian, their relationship “fell short of true friendship, because friendship is genuine only when you bind fast together people who cleave to you through the charity poured abroad in our hearts through the Holy Spirit” (4.4.7). He made his friend the central focus of his life, making the loss unbearable:  “Black grief closed over my heart and wherever I looked I saw only death… Everything I had shared with my friend turned to hideous anguish without him” (4.4.9).  His reaction before his conversion was the direct result of his ignorance of the Christian teaching of love. It was only after his conversion that he was able to deal with death through Christian eyes.  This newly acquired knowledge was evident in its influence on Augustine’s reaction to Monica’s death.   He mourns the loss of his mother, but not openly as he felt “comfort in weeping before God about her and for her about himself and for himself” (9.12.23).  With her he mourned the loss of a true friendship. He no longer made humanity the center of his life, but instead he had God as the central focus. Augustine thanked his mother as the person who “had wept long years for him that in God’s sight he might live” (9.12. 33).

What's in it for us?

Augustine’s experiences with loss hold many lessons from which college students can learn. Augustine initially mourns loss, but later his understanding of relationships changes greatly. As his Christian values flood his understanding of death, he learns that relationships do not end with death but instead they change. College students will experience loss of friendship on varying levels, and understanding what a relationship is will help them cope with the emotional aspects of loss. As people change friendships begin to falter and end. Many relationships deteriorate as the students develop new interests and outlooks on life.   As a response, students must learn how to deal with this form of loss.  Many students go about living their lives as if they are invincible. However, loss brings with it the reality of mortality. They begin to question their lives and what life itself means. This raises the question that there exist higher realities. Augustine teaches that friendship should be based upon something bigger than the human relationship itself. College students need to learn not to focus their lives exclusively on the presence of mortal humanity or tangible objects. There will always be losses, but with a sense of religion losses will be less significant. Religion gives a sense of proportion and a sense of higher things which will let a student realize that relationships are temporary. Students will find a greater focus, one filled with goodness around which they can model their lives just as Augustine did himself.