Being an orientation leader has been an overwhelmingly positive experience from the very beginning. At first, I was nervous about an unknown environment, new people and challenging myself in ways I had not before. From past experiences and past reflections, I knew that I would have trouble opening up to so many people quickly. However, my peers and new coworkers made it incredibly easy. The orientation team renewed my belief in genuine people and helped me realize that I can make friends and succeed when I open up to people quickly. Although it may benefit me to be reserved in certain situations, this is no longer my default reaction. Being outgoing and engaging with new acquaintance is now a method I can use in leadership positions.

For the most part, the groups of first-year students I have been leading have reaffirmed this conclusion. Although I know I have not connected deeply with everyone of my students, I have felt satisfied with how well I have gotten to know my groups in general. I know I have genuinely tried to get them to open up to me about their fears and hopes, anticipate and alleviate some of their anxieties and connect them to things that they personally find interesting. This past Discover Loyola, however, I did not have these same feelings. By the end of the session I was frustrated with my group and tired. For the first time interacting with the students felt like a chore and it felt difficult being genuine with them.

There are a lot of factors that probably played into me having this reaction to my last group. Firstly, it was the third of three DL sessions in a row and I was physically drained. The rest of the staff was as well and for the first time I found myself being heavily affected by the emotional state of my coworkers. After spending so much time together and being so tired, it was hard to simply shake things off and emotions festered. Having developed relationships with my coworkers, these feelings at times served as distractions from my students.

Secondly, it was difficult having a group of Bridge to Loyola students. These incoming freshmen were having such a different college application process than the one I experienced. Instead of worrying which schools they were going to get into, many of them were worried if they would get into of their top choices. They were also not necessarily excited to be on campus because they were here for a compulsory program. It was not only the context of their experience that made it hard to relate to them though; it was also how they expressed themselves. I would often hear my students talk about what they were “required to do” or what “had to be done” to get a certain degree or make it in a pre-professional program. Instead of my friends who had conversations about how learning made them happy and what they were passionate about, these individuals were approaching schoolwork from the opposite direction. Reading, writing and class lectures were in the way of other things they would rather be doing. Their discussions often took on a negative tone and they did not seem to be appreciating of the opportunities that this school could provide them.

Overhearing these conversations and trying to relate to incoming students that were not excited to take college classes frustrated me immensely. During high school college had always been the end goal. I had been planning where I would go to school and for what since sixth grade. (Granted the plans changed quite often.) I surrounded myself with people who liked to read literature and who were passionate about history, math and science. It was hard not to have the attitude along the lines of, “If you are not excited about learning, why are you here?” when talking to some of my students. One particularly frustrating instance was helping a student in my group register for classes. Completely undecided upon her major, she was required to take four Core classes but she refused to enroll in classes in half of the knowledge areas because she “did not like those subjects.” I often had to take a step back and remind myself of her experience and viewpoint while helping her, but her unwillingness to try new things and the negativity towards learning was still hard to take. I found it hard to trust and even at times respect individuals who took an at best ambivalent and at worst hostile attitude towards learning new things.

I think I reacted in such a strong way because I have always loved learning so much. That is not to say that there are no subjects that I dislike or that I have never referred to getting a requirement “out of the way” in my personal academic career. I do feel that I have always had an appreciation for what I was learning though. Very rarely has new knowledge seemed useless to me. The IB program that I participated in high school and now the honors and environmental studies programs I am a part of in college have all pushed students to be interdisciplinary thinkers. The honors program and the prevalence of this interconnected pedagogy at Loyola is a major part of the reason I came here.  I have also never had a problem seeing the value in learning. In high school I worked hard, almost too hard, to keep a meticulous transcript and resume because I knew those things would allow me to go where I wanted for my bachelor’s degree. Getting to live in a large city, attend a good school and be far away from home were always huge goals that motivated me to stay up late, until all assignments were completed and all test materials reviewed. I measured my successes and felt challenged and affirmed through my classroom work.

Another reason why my students’ perceived ambivalence to learning was hard to take was that for the past two months the orientation staff has been inundated with different definitions of what it means to be a Loyola student and attend a Jesuit institution. These student profiles almost always have included a section about academic excellence and intellectual curiosity. Constantly interacting with and expressing Student Promise, the University’s Mission and the values of the Society of Jesus makes it hard not to begin taking them to heart. Orientation leaders are these students’ first exposures to these ideas and we feel personally responsible for them. If there was a single common thread between everyone on staff this diverse staff, I think it would be a genuine appreciation for our values as a university. Being a part of this community and around excited, new students creates a type of positivity bubble at times. It is hard to remember that there are plenty of upperclassmen that have no idea what our school’s mission statement is or what is in the Student Promise. Having students that actively, and sometimes hostilely, challenged our collective idea of what a Loyola student should be was difficult. It burst the bubble of positive energy and made it hard to keep motivated.

The final reason why my students’ negativity hit me so hard has to do with what I plan to do in the future. I want to continue working in higher education. My boyfriend often jokes that I was “doomed to be an administrator forever” because of how much I get into mission and values statements. I love the environment of schools and although I want to go into student affairs, I happily admit that academics is the rightful heart of all universities. Part of the reason I am so committed to working with college students and not in a high school is that I want to help people who deeply want to learn. I have little patience for people that squander opportunity and I saw first hand in an inner-city public school how many kids refuse to work hard for a variety of reasons. This past experience with my group was a bit of a wake-up call and showed me that just because the students are older not all of them are going to be thrilled about all aspects of college.

In many ways I am thankful for this difficult experience. It has given me a lot to reflect upon and showed me what I need to do to improve in my current position and future ones I may hold. First off, I need to accept that education is not an end in itself for some people. Some students are going to see it only as a means to a nice job and large paycheck. Also, part of my own improvement needs to be showing compassion for others and having patience. I know I have trouble valuing emotions at times and need to work to hear others out completely in order to understand where they are coming from and how to help them best. I can still value learning and the mission of our school while helping those who have different opinions on it. In fact doing so will make me a better professional and member of the community.